totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
