You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
