If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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