I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
