I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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