Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
