Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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