Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
