Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
