Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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