you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
