trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
