Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
