I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!