I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.