Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
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Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
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I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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