i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
