Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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