I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
