my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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