I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
