My hand turned me down
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
