If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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