I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
