Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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