Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
