I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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