i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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