Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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