her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
