i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
