I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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