it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
