you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
