At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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