Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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