I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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