I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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