she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
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yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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