cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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