Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
