Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
