I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
