Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
