Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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