I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
