does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
