My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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