If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
