I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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