You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
