I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Randomize
