why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
