Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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