oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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