New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
