Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.