break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
